Young People and Grief
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St. James High School
101 E. Scioto St. James, MO 65559 Phone: (573) 261-3906 Fax: (573) 265-1053 Twitter: @STJCounselor Facebook: STJ Counseling Center |
The grieving process is a normal, natural, and healing result of loss and pain is to be expected. Young people of all ages exhibit grief and reactions to grief. Guilt, anxiety, anger, fear and sadness may be universal, and the expressions of these emotions may vary from day to day. Helping a young person and yourself through this difficult time may often feel overwhelming: however, knowledge of common reactions to loss may help you recognize behavior for what it is - grieving.
Possible Grief Reactions:
* Anger
* Agression/acting out: starting fights, outbursts of temper, drop in grades, change of peer affiliation
* Explosive emotions: gentle tears, wrenching sobs, extremes in behavior
* Physiological changes: fatigue, trouble sleeping, lack of appetite, headaches, and stomach pains
* Idealization of the deceased
* Sadness/emptiness/withdrawal: overwhelmed by feelings of loss when realizes person is not coming back; feels extremely vulnerable
* Guilt/self-blame: "If only. . .", "Why didn't I. . .?" Feels responsible for the loss; seeks self-punishment
* Disorganization: restless, unable to concentrate, uncontrollable tears, difficulty focusing
* Lack of feelings: denial; protection from pain; can be a form of numbness; may be difficult to admit and may generate guilt
How to Help a Young Person Experiencing Grief:
* Use the terms "died/dead/death: rather than phrases like "passed away", or "taken from us". Give an honest age appropriate explanation for the person's death, avoiding cliches or easy answers. Straightforward, gentle use of the words helps a person confront the reality of the death.
* Explain and accept that everyone has different reactions to death at different times. The reaction might not hit until the funeral or weeks later.
* Reassure the young person that his/her grief feelings are normal. There are no "right" ways to react to a loss. Give permission to cry. Let them know it's OK not to cry if the young person does not typically react in that way.
* Permit or encourage the young person to talk about the person who has died. This is a vital part of the healing process, both at the moment of loss, but especially after the funeral.
* Do not attempt to minimize the loss or take the pain away. Phrases like "Don't worry, it will be OK," "He/she had a good life," or "He/she is out of pain", are not helpful. Grief is painful. There must be pain before there can be acceptance and healing. It is
very difficult to do, but most helpful to acknowledge the person's pain and permit them to live with it without trying to take it away or make it "better".
* Encourage the young person to talk about his or her feelings. Encourage communication first with family, but also be aware of other support people such as clergy, trusted adult friends, and trusted peers.
* LISTEN. Listen with your heart. Listening to the feelings of the young person is most important. Listen through the silences. Just being present, showing you care by your listening is more important than knowing what to say or even saying anything at all.
A Grieving Person Needs to:
* To cry
* To be held
* To talk
* To be listened to
* To feel caring around them, to be with people they care about
* To understand how others may react.
Possible Grief Reactions:
* Anger
* Agression/acting out: starting fights, outbursts of temper, drop in grades, change of peer affiliation
* Explosive emotions: gentle tears, wrenching sobs, extremes in behavior
* Physiological changes: fatigue, trouble sleeping, lack of appetite, headaches, and stomach pains
* Idealization of the deceased
* Sadness/emptiness/withdrawal: overwhelmed by feelings of loss when realizes person is not coming back; feels extremely vulnerable
* Guilt/self-blame: "If only. . .", "Why didn't I. . .?" Feels responsible for the loss; seeks self-punishment
* Disorganization: restless, unable to concentrate, uncontrollable tears, difficulty focusing
* Lack of feelings: denial; protection from pain; can be a form of numbness; may be difficult to admit and may generate guilt
How to Help a Young Person Experiencing Grief:
* Use the terms "died/dead/death: rather than phrases like "passed away", or "taken from us". Give an honest age appropriate explanation for the person's death, avoiding cliches or easy answers. Straightforward, gentle use of the words helps a person confront the reality of the death.
* Explain and accept that everyone has different reactions to death at different times. The reaction might not hit until the funeral or weeks later.
* Reassure the young person that his/her grief feelings are normal. There are no "right" ways to react to a loss. Give permission to cry. Let them know it's OK not to cry if the young person does not typically react in that way.
* Permit or encourage the young person to talk about the person who has died. This is a vital part of the healing process, both at the moment of loss, but especially after the funeral.
* Do not attempt to minimize the loss or take the pain away. Phrases like "Don't worry, it will be OK," "He/she had a good life," or "He/she is out of pain", are not helpful. Grief is painful. There must be pain before there can be acceptance and healing. It is
very difficult to do, but most helpful to acknowledge the person's pain and permit them to live with it without trying to take it away or make it "better".
* Encourage the young person to talk about his or her feelings. Encourage communication first with family, but also be aware of other support people such as clergy, trusted adult friends, and trusted peers.
* LISTEN. Listen with your heart. Listening to the feelings of the young person is most important. Listen through the silences. Just being present, showing you care by your listening is more important than knowing what to say or even saying anything at all.
A Grieving Person Needs to:
* To cry
* To be held
* To talk
* To be listened to
* To feel caring around them, to be with people they care about
* To understand how others may react.